Cathy Whitmire
Founding Board Member
When Civility is a Matter of Faith
“Let’s not forget that American democracy started with ‘We the People’ agreeing to work hard to create ‘a more perfect union.’ We’ve lost the idea that politics begins at home with what happens in families, in neighborhoods, in classrooms, in congregations. We called this democracy into being – and if we want to call this democracy back to its highest values, it’s got to be the us doing that calling. That’s not going to happen if ‘We the People’ don’t know how to talk to one another with civility and hold our differences in a creative, life-giving way.”
Parker J. Palmer
I believe our democratic republic works best when we are able to talk, work through differences and find creative solutions together. So, I am involved with Civility First because the organization is committed to supporting and encouraging civil conversations across social and political divides.
But my personal commitment to work with Civility First is also faith-based. I am a Quaker, and we believe there is “that of God in all people.” There is no caveat in our faith that allows us to seek ‘that of God’ only in people who look like us, share our politics or agree with our moral vision for the world. We are all children of God, called to love one another. A bumper sticker on my car reads, “Love thy neighbor – no exceptions”. But as we all know that is hard to do. So, I value my work with Civility First because it keeps stretching me to listen better, be patient and understand more deeply people with whom I disagree.
There is a Civility First yard sign in my front yard that reads, “Respect others, Listen and Be Kind”. Respect, listening and kindness were the three words most commonly chosen by Whidbey Island residents to describe civility in our 2019 survey of over 200 Whidbey residents. These words reflect both my Quaker values, and the values of Civility First.
During my four years of working with Civility First I have had hundreds of conversations with people up and down Whidbey Island who have struggled to overcome social and political polarization. These people dread Thanksgiving dinner with an opiniated uncle, avoid having coffee with a colleague who voted differently and plan to skip the neighborhood Christmas party because of a neighbor whose political yard sign was for someone they didn’t vote for. So, our inability to talk to one another is affecting our families, our workplaces and our neighborhoods. And unfortunately, the gaps between us continue to widen.
Because of Civility First I now have close friends who are conservative and close friends who are progressive. So, it is painful for me when people make blanket statements about ‘the other side’. I have heard liberal friends say, “All Republicans are racists” and have heard conservative friends say, “Talking to liberals is impossible, they all put conservatives down”. And the stresses of the pandemic and the heated elections have exacerbated the distrust and disdain many have for people who don’t think or vote like they do. The political arena in our democratic republic has historically been a place where people with disparate ideals try to work together on behalf of the common good. But for some of us, our politics has become our moral identity, a source of entertainment and a blood sport where winning is all that matters.
We need to find ways to resolve our differences peaceably for the sake of our families, our neighborhoods and our communities. Please consider attending a Civility First workshop, making a donation or becoming a volunteer. We also appreciate the ways you are already supporting our work to help people resolve their differences in ways that are creative and life-giving.
Founding Board Member
When Civility is a Matter of Faith
“Let’s not forget that American democracy started with ‘We the People’ agreeing to work hard to create ‘a more perfect union.’ We’ve lost the idea that politics begins at home with what happens in families, in neighborhoods, in classrooms, in congregations. We called this democracy into being – and if we want to call this democracy back to its highest values, it’s got to be the us doing that calling. That’s not going to happen if ‘We the People’ don’t know how to talk to one another with civility and hold our differences in a creative, life-giving way.”
Parker J. Palmer
I believe our democratic republic works best when we are able to talk, work through differences and find creative solutions together. So, I am involved with Civility First because the organization is committed to supporting and encouraging civil conversations across social and political divides.
But my personal commitment to work with Civility First is also faith-based. I am a Quaker, and we believe there is “that of God in all people.” There is no caveat in our faith that allows us to seek ‘that of God’ only in people who look like us, share our politics or agree with our moral vision for the world. We are all children of God, called to love one another. A bumper sticker on my car reads, “Love thy neighbor – no exceptions”. But as we all know that is hard to do. So, I value my work with Civility First because it keeps stretching me to listen better, be patient and understand more deeply people with whom I disagree.
There is a Civility First yard sign in my front yard that reads, “Respect others, Listen and Be Kind”. Respect, listening and kindness were the three words most commonly chosen by Whidbey Island residents to describe civility in our 2019 survey of over 200 Whidbey residents. These words reflect both my Quaker values, and the values of Civility First.
During my four years of working with Civility First I have had hundreds of conversations with people up and down Whidbey Island who have struggled to overcome social and political polarization. These people dread Thanksgiving dinner with an opiniated uncle, avoid having coffee with a colleague who voted differently and plan to skip the neighborhood Christmas party because of a neighbor whose political yard sign was for someone they didn’t vote for. So, our inability to talk to one another is affecting our families, our workplaces and our neighborhoods. And unfortunately, the gaps between us continue to widen.
Because of Civility First I now have close friends who are conservative and close friends who are progressive. So, it is painful for me when people make blanket statements about ‘the other side’. I have heard liberal friends say, “All Republicans are racists” and have heard conservative friends say, “Talking to liberals is impossible, they all put conservatives down”. And the stresses of the pandemic and the heated elections have exacerbated the distrust and disdain many have for people who don’t think or vote like they do. The political arena in our democratic republic has historically been a place where people with disparate ideals try to work together on behalf of the common good. But for some of us, our politics has become our moral identity, a source of entertainment and a blood sport where winning is all that matters.
We need to find ways to resolve our differences peaceably for the sake of our families, our neighborhoods and our communities. Please consider attending a Civility First workshop, making a donation or becoming a volunteer. We also appreciate the ways you are already supporting our work to help people resolve their differences in ways that are creative and life-giving.
Sandi Peterson
Vice President
As a new year dawns, we get a little introspective. We think, “What can I do to make my life, my family, my finances, my fun, better in the coming year?” “How can I be a better me, to bring value to myself and those I love and care about?”
2020 upended our world. Financially people are hurting, emotionally there are a lot of stored-up feelings. So maybe hearing each other is the place to start. If we can just take the time to listen to each other, to try and understand what the person is going thru, if we can just say, “I understand your pain” (without taking it on or even knowing why that person is so worked up), or “I’m sorry for your circumstance”, or “I wish I could make it better for you”. Those are the kinds of civil words we all need to hear right now, but without really listening we won’t know what to say when the other person is done talking.
I’ll admit that sometimes, when people are talking about a particular political point, or religious belief or world view or even an author or movie I am not especially interested in, I catch myself mummering, “Uh-huh” without really tuning in. I bet you have too! I really hadn’t thought about how harmful and demeaning that dismissive, hurry up, I-don’t-really-care-what-you-are-saying attitude could feel to someone else. It certainly is not adding value to our discussion or our friendship. And believe it or not it is uncivil.
During Civility First’s October panel discussion our panelist and board member Ken Harvey said (and I am loosely quoting him here), “being dismissive of another person’s ideas or thoughts, or even their being, is one of the most uncivil behavior we can demonstrate.” I have not stopped thinking about that and have done my best to stay curious and to be honest-to-goodness engaged in what others are really saying. For me, being better at sincere active listening, without needing to reply, but just to learn or even just hear, is going to be one of my value-adds for 2021.
If 2020 taught us anything, it is that we are not going to change each other’s minds, but we can make 2021 at least a little better if we take the time to offer the valuable gifts of listening, caring, and being kind.
Cheers!
Vice President
As a new year dawns, we get a little introspective. We think, “What can I do to make my life, my family, my finances, my fun, better in the coming year?” “How can I be a better me, to bring value to myself and those I love and care about?”
2020 upended our world. Financially people are hurting, emotionally there are a lot of stored-up feelings. So maybe hearing each other is the place to start. If we can just take the time to listen to each other, to try and understand what the person is going thru, if we can just say, “I understand your pain” (without taking it on or even knowing why that person is so worked up), or “I’m sorry for your circumstance”, or “I wish I could make it better for you”. Those are the kinds of civil words we all need to hear right now, but without really listening we won’t know what to say when the other person is done talking.
I’ll admit that sometimes, when people are talking about a particular political point, or religious belief or world view or even an author or movie I am not especially interested in, I catch myself mummering, “Uh-huh” without really tuning in. I bet you have too! I really hadn’t thought about how harmful and demeaning that dismissive, hurry up, I-don’t-really-care-what-you-are-saying attitude could feel to someone else. It certainly is not adding value to our discussion or our friendship. And believe it or not it is uncivil.
During Civility First’s October panel discussion our panelist and board member Ken Harvey said (and I am loosely quoting him here), “being dismissive of another person’s ideas or thoughts, or even their being, is one of the most uncivil behavior we can demonstrate.” I have not stopped thinking about that and have done my best to stay curious and to be honest-to-goodness engaged in what others are really saying. For me, being better at sincere active listening, without needing to reply, but just to learn or even just hear, is going to be one of my value-adds for 2021.
If 2020 taught us anything, it is that we are not going to change each other’s minds, but we can make 2021 at least a little better if we take the time to offer the valuable gifts of listening, caring, and being kind.
Cheers!
Ken Harvey
Board Member
Are We Truly Civilized?
To be civil is to be civilized.
Civility is more than always being nice and agreeable. It is driven by the rules of interpersonal and group expectations. These expectations guide our interactions so we can successfully negotiate our individual and mutual needs and effectively bridge over our differences.
Those needs and differences are often profound.
In the book, You Just Don’t Understand, the authors relate that some of us are wired to value connection and close relationship while others are more prone to compete. Mastery and control versus relationship for relationship’s sake.
Some of us want to live in a world connected together with others. We don’t have to agree on everything. It’s okay if we are different. Because we know at the core we are all human. We all matter. Our pain, joy, safety, yours and mine, both matter.
However, some of us don’t seem care to about such things. We are elitists and see the world in terms of winning and losing. Me and us versus you and them. I and we matter. You and yours simply don’t.
Some say that incivility is a new issue, perhaps tied to recent presidential elections. I disagree. As a student of history, I know that incivility is as old as humankind.
However, I have also noticed a disturbing trend of incivilization. We humans are acting as if we no longer care to live in peace with others we see as different.
More and more it seems, we behave as if we believe that:
The tension and animosity we see around us signals that our society continues to move over dangerous ground. If we want or expect to enjoy the full fruits of a civil society, able to enjoy peace and safety within our families and neighborhoods, at work and when we play, then we must intently practice and sow the seeds of civility, caring and compassion.
History issues us a stern warning. We forget to practice the golden rules of relationship and life at our own peril. For when we fail to treat others the way we want to be treated, we excuse incivilities. We give ourselves permission to be impolite and discourteous, to treat others with disrespect. We begin to imagine a better world that doesn’t include the “other” and work to cancel them.
In so doing, we actually invite horror upon ourselves, those we love, and what we value most. History reminds us that the cost of incivility is eventual conflict and horror.
The warning signals are there. I hope we can all see them. For the sake of civilization.
Board Member
Are We Truly Civilized?
To be civil is to be civilized.
Civility is more than always being nice and agreeable. It is driven by the rules of interpersonal and group expectations. These expectations guide our interactions so we can successfully negotiate our individual and mutual needs and effectively bridge over our differences.
Those needs and differences are often profound.
In the book, You Just Don’t Understand, the authors relate that some of us are wired to value connection and close relationship while others are more prone to compete. Mastery and control versus relationship for relationship’s sake.
Some of us want to live in a world connected together with others. We don’t have to agree on everything. It’s okay if we are different. Because we know at the core we are all human. We all matter. Our pain, joy, safety, yours and mine, both matter.
However, some of us don’t seem care to about such things. We are elitists and see the world in terms of winning and losing. Me and us versus you and them. I and we matter. You and yours simply don’t.
Some say that incivility is a new issue, perhaps tied to recent presidential elections. I disagree. As a student of history, I know that incivility is as old as humankind.
However, I have also noticed a disturbing trend of incivilization. We humans are acting as if we no longer care to live in peace with others we see as different.
More and more it seems, we behave as if we believe that:
- Respect no longer matters, whether for a person, a title, or an office.
- Might makes it right. So if we have the power, authority, or opportunity to insult, disparage, demean or harm someone, we can because after all might makes right.
- The ends justify the means. Which means all is fair and allowed to ensure our side wins.
- Ideas and voices we disagree with should be silenced, cancelled or eliminated.
The tension and animosity we see around us signals that our society continues to move over dangerous ground. If we want or expect to enjoy the full fruits of a civil society, able to enjoy peace and safety within our families and neighborhoods, at work and when we play, then we must intently practice and sow the seeds of civility, caring and compassion.
History issues us a stern warning. We forget to practice the golden rules of relationship and life at our own peril. For when we fail to treat others the way we want to be treated, we excuse incivilities. We give ourselves permission to be impolite and discourteous, to treat others with disrespect. We begin to imagine a better world that doesn’t include the “other” and work to cancel them.
In so doing, we actually invite horror upon ourselves, those we love, and what we value most. History reminds us that the cost of incivility is eventual conflict and horror.
The warning signals are there. I hope we can all see them. For the sake of civilization.
Edie Surface
Board Member
What a rollercoaster ride this past year has been!
2020 started out great. We had so many plans for the year, and my real estate business was going well – I’m never happier than when I help someone find just the right home on this beautiful island!
Then the pandemic hit. Added to that we had the tragic murder of George Floyd that sparked the BLM protests that then lead to riots and political unrest. It seemed like everything was being politicized and causing tremendous anger, violence and upheaval. It consumed our lives, affecting friendships, families and relationships. In the midst of this chaos came, for me, the best thing ever. The birth of my new Granddaughter! Which brought me to this question: What kind of a world are we leaving for our children and grandchildren? What kind of an example are we setting for them on how to deal with all the conflict that they will face? This is why civility is so important to me.
If there is one thing I have learned this year it is that when people stop being respectful, stop listening to one another, become intolerant of different opinions and philosophies, everything falls apart. When our public figures refuse to work together the country suffers. When people use violence instead of respectful communication, no one wins. Civility is not about changing each other, or about always agreeing with one another. It is about listening, understanding. It is about respect and tolerance for one another. I believe in a very simple rule: Treat others as you want to be treated. If you want to be heard, you need to listen. If you want to be understood, you need to understand. If you want to be respected, you need to show respect. It is up to us as individuals to be the example. We cannot wait for someone else to start. That may never happen. We need to be the one stepping up with civility. Chances are, that other person is waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint.
Board Member
What a rollercoaster ride this past year has been!
2020 started out great. We had so many plans for the year, and my real estate business was going well – I’m never happier than when I help someone find just the right home on this beautiful island!
Then the pandemic hit. Added to that we had the tragic murder of George Floyd that sparked the BLM protests that then lead to riots and political unrest. It seemed like everything was being politicized and causing tremendous anger, violence and upheaval. It consumed our lives, affecting friendships, families and relationships. In the midst of this chaos came, for me, the best thing ever. The birth of my new Granddaughter! Which brought me to this question: What kind of a world are we leaving for our children and grandchildren? What kind of an example are we setting for them on how to deal with all the conflict that they will face? This is why civility is so important to me.
If there is one thing I have learned this year it is that when people stop being respectful, stop listening to one another, become intolerant of different opinions and philosophies, everything falls apart. When our public figures refuse to work together the country suffers. When people use violence instead of respectful communication, no one wins. Civility is not about changing each other, or about always agreeing with one another. It is about listening, understanding. It is about respect and tolerance for one another. I believe in a very simple rule: Treat others as you want to be treated. If you want to be heard, you need to listen. If you want to be understood, you need to understand. If you want to be respected, you need to show respect. It is up to us as individuals to be the example. We cannot wait for someone else to start. That may never happen. We need to be the one stepping up with civility. Chances are, that other person is waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint.
Beck
Civility First Executive Director
Paulo Freire the 20th century Brazilian Philosopher believed that our collective freedom lay in our ability to have critical dialogue together, that our lives are inextricably bound to each other. There are positive outcomes when we contribute to our collective existence through service to each other, the environment, human knowledge and consequences when we estrange ourselves from our community.
As a little girl, I remember being aware that there was a known social contract, don’t talk about politics, religion, or put your nose into others business, even if you saw someone being harmed. As I grew, I watched my mother actively push back on this. She spoke her mind when confronted with double standards or injustice and always told the truth even if the truth was difficult to hear. This had a profound impact on me and I grew to find my own voice, especially as it pertained to the mistreatment of others. I didn’t like seeing others being hurt and as a moral conviction I took it upon myself to stand against this in any way I could. This passion for equality and justice fueled my curiosity to understand why things were the way they were. This brought me to many places and through many experiences, from the military, to teaching yoga, through my Bachelors in Society, Ethics, and Human Behavior and then further to my Master’s degree in Cultural Studies. I felt empowered by my education, proud of my achievements and experiences, but powerless to make impactful change. Despite these feelings, I worked daily to create space and opportunity for these types of conversations. This work has brought me to Civility First.
Like many in the last four years, I have watched the polarization of our Nation and the continued estrangement of our youth from both our society and global community. As Executive Director, I hope to contribute to our collective social responsibility of creating belonging through critical conversations. These conversations can be difficult but they are also essential. If we are dedicated to democracy then we must open our ears and our hearts in order to listen to experiences outside of our own, to find creative and new solutions to care for everyone.
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open.’’
-C. Joybell C.
Civility First Executive Director
Paulo Freire the 20th century Brazilian Philosopher believed that our collective freedom lay in our ability to have critical dialogue together, that our lives are inextricably bound to each other. There are positive outcomes when we contribute to our collective existence through service to each other, the environment, human knowledge and consequences when we estrange ourselves from our community.
As a little girl, I remember being aware that there was a known social contract, don’t talk about politics, religion, or put your nose into others business, even if you saw someone being harmed. As I grew, I watched my mother actively push back on this. She spoke her mind when confronted with double standards or injustice and always told the truth even if the truth was difficult to hear. This had a profound impact on me and I grew to find my own voice, especially as it pertained to the mistreatment of others. I didn’t like seeing others being hurt and as a moral conviction I took it upon myself to stand against this in any way I could. This passion for equality and justice fueled my curiosity to understand why things were the way they were. This brought me to many places and through many experiences, from the military, to teaching yoga, through my Bachelors in Society, Ethics, and Human Behavior and then further to my Master’s degree in Cultural Studies. I felt empowered by my education, proud of my achievements and experiences, but powerless to make impactful change. Despite these feelings, I worked daily to create space and opportunity for these types of conversations. This work has brought me to Civility First.
Like many in the last four years, I have watched the polarization of our Nation and the continued estrangement of our youth from both our society and global community. As Executive Director, I hope to contribute to our collective social responsibility of creating belonging through critical conversations. These conversations can be difficult but they are also essential. If we are dedicated to democracy then we must open our ears and our hearts in order to listen to experiences outside of our own, to find creative and new solutions to care for everyone.
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open.’’
-C. Joybell C.